| i Love you, i hate you, i can*t Live without you |
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| 05:36pm 23/05/2004 |
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mood:  depressed
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i discoveRed today that chRis and i weRe much moRe aLike than i knew... i ReaLized by putting my feeLings into woRds i was saying eveRything he*d been tRying to teLL me foR so Long. we feeL the same about a Lot of things... poetRy, music, Life, and feeLings.... i suppose a paRt of me wiLL aLways inteRtwine with him and shaRe a Love that is unexpLainabLe to many. to put it the best way i know how... it just seems as though when we feLL in Love we took a cRash Landing and pieces fLew eveRywheRe. and instead of heLping each otheR cLean up the mess we fought oveR what beLonged to who instead of simpLy smiLing and saying it beLonged to us. he makes me so mad and so happy aLL at the same time. i want to kiLL him and kiss him. i hate him and i Love him and onLy time wiLL teLL wheRe we beLong in each otheR*s Lives but i know foR a fact we do beLong. foR now we*LL just stay fRiends and see wheRe that Road Leads.
sometimes i don*t know what goes on in this fucked up bRain of mine and i sweaR i get cRazieR eveRyday. i don*t know how to expLain to dan what happened between us because we did have a few peRfect days. but whiLe i gave him me and that seemed fine i just... i don*t beLong theRe. something happened, something bLanked and eveRything happened at once. i wish i couLd expLain to him why i can*t be with him... but i can*t.
my whoLe Life i*ve Looked foR someone who wiLL Love me unconditionaLLy, someone who wouLd give me eveRy paRt of them and moRe and ashLey does that foR me. she gives me eveRything and has neveR heLd the shit i do against me, oR accused me of fucking heR oveR, oR hated me, oR anything Like that. she*s just Loved me. and you know what i Love heR too. thRough out aLL the fucked up shit that goes thRough my head i have neveR once doubted Loving heR. i just don*t know what to do.
| my heaRt Lies somewheRe between peRfection and dust. and whiLe my souL is a sight to behoLd, i shatteR at the bLink of an eye. |
::me:: |
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| you*Re pushing me... |
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| 08:48pm 22/05/2004 |
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mood:  indifferent
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so a bunch of shit happened Last night and i feLt Like wRiting it aLL down. dan bRoke up with mimi because she was getting paRanoid and fighting with him oveR stupid shit and she thinks he bRoke up with heR foR me. aLL i have to say is that he ReaLLy just didn*t, we*Re just cLose fRiends and if i do choose to be with dan then that*s my goddamned choice and my ReaL fRiends wiLL stand by me with that and as foR the Rest of you... you can just fuck off. unLess of couRse i don*t know you... then i just don*t know you. so mimi hates me now and that*s cooL cuz she*s stabbed me in the back befoRe and i knew it was just a matteR time befoRe she did so i was Ready foR it. so now i want to make a List of my ReaL tRue fRiends because i don*t think i appReciate them enough. i just want to say that dRea is pending because i haven*t taLked to heR yet, so i*LL teLL you wheRe she stands when we taLk.
i want to staRt off by saying that the numbeR one peRson who has shown Love, LoyaLty, devotion, tRust, and much moRe wouLd have to be ashLey baRkstaLL. she*s been theRe thRough eveRything and hasn*t eveR hated me foR any of the shit i put heR thRough. then theRe*s evan, he*s been heRe foR me no matteR what. he makes me smiLe and Laugh and he has got to be the cooLest neRd i know. anotheR peRson who i don*t give enough cRedit too (she*s aLso the Reason i*m wRiting this because she made me ReaLize what i did) is gaby. no matteR who hates me foR whateveR Reasons they have she chooses to make heR own opinions. if someone has a pRobLem with me she doesn*t caRe because she knows she can tRust me and i haven*t been anything but a good fRiend to heR, she is a wondeRfuL fRiend to me. i ReaLLy don*t have something to say about eveRyone because i can just sum it up in one sentence. the foLLowing peopLe aRe the peopLe who have been theRe foR me when i needed them and have neveR tuRned on me because someone eLse toLd them to oR stabbed me in the back foR that Reason. these aRe my tRue fRiends.
moRgaine, megan, joe, jut, becca, kat, Ryan, danieL, sasha, pauL, andy, javi, Robby, Rob, coRy, diLLon, tiff, candace, tRina, Liz, kane (yes kane), petRie, daLLy (yes he has been theRe foR me), tom, sean, seann, max, Linneah, jonas, jonneLL, angeL, dede, bobbi, chief, chante, teResa, apRiL, aLex, josh, and oh yes Last but not Least eug (even though dan hates heR she*s been a gReat fRiend to me and she*s a sexy beast i Love heR non-boobies!!!
and finaLLy the Last thing i have to say is that i have otheR fRiends that aRe kind of just my fRiends, they*LL be theRe foR me yes but they*Re not veRy cLose but that*s okay because i Love them anyway, and i do want to put them in heRe and thank them aLso. so thank you to the foLLowing foR being a fRiend
tee, sheRi, kRys, Rae, andRea, adRic, bRandi, bRianna, ham, india, Lisa, jane, kathy, heLLen, jason, mando, Lance, Ruben, paige, maRLi, patRick, wendy, sandy, tRiscuit, teRRy, maxxx, danni, kRis, tim, and i*m suRe i foRgot some but yeah....
anyway the point is that i want to think aLL the peopLe who have tRuLLy been theRe foR me. so if you*Re not on this List i eitheR foRgot you >.< (soRRy) oR ReaLLy just don*t consideR you a fRiend. you can ask me oR figuRe it out foR youRseLf i don*t caRe.
to end this i want to say that yes dan and i aRe getting aLong, no you can not ask if we*Re going out oR if something is going on between us, and if you can*t deaL with that have the guts and decency to at Least teLL me you don*t want to taLk to me anymoRe
::me:: |
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| i stoLe it fRom maxxx woooo!!!! |
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| 02:20pm 19/05/2004 |
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mood:  busy
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[FIRSTS.]
First car: 2000 navy bLue camRy with a sunRoof -smiLes-
First screen name: ceLinety
First self purchased album: smashing pumpkins --gish-- 1990
First pets: a cat
First piercing/tattoo: do eaRs count??? no my beLLy button --on the bottom--
First credit card: the summeR befoRe my senioR yeaR --state nationaL bank--
First true love: kane... it*s a Long stoRy...
First enemy: hmm Let*s see i*m gonna say peRLa saucedo fRom seventh gRade...
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Reba mcentiRe... enough said...
[LASTS.]
Last car ride: satuRday i beLieve... no sunday i went to javi*s house
Last good cry: pfft pRobabLy about a week ago... i was ubeR depRessed
Last library book checked out: satanism and you [how to deaL] it was foR a RepoRt i was wRiting foR my engLish cLass Last semesteR.
Last beverage drank: oRange juice
Last food consumed: a bean and cheese buRRito LoL wait foR dinneR
Last crush: chRis... no maybe it was tiff o.O
Last phone call: dan i*m on the phone with him now
Last shoes worn: my vans
Last cd played: madonna [Like a pRayeR]
Last item bought: diRty dancing [the uLtimate edition] dvd
Last annoyance: my LittLe bRotheR compLaining about Losing a video game
Last disappointment: discoveRing that i stiLL Love dan no matteR what we do to each otheR... theRe is no one eLse in the woRLd that wouLd take my shit Like he does, not even ashLey... she wouLdn*t stay if i did haLf the things i did to him.
Last time wanting to die: Last week when i was depRessed
Last time scolded: pfft who the fuck knows
Last shirt worn: weLL i*m weaRing a tank top now but the Last shiRt i woRe was... uhm... i can*t RemembeR that faR back i usuaLLy weaR a tank top and a hoody
Last website visited: my sisteR*s ReaL aRcade account i was Looking foR zuma.
name = cass R. tRuett
piercings = eaRs and beLLy button [on the bottom]
tattoos = meh not yet... but i*m getting one soon
height= 5'5"
shoe size = 9 -- 9 1/2
siblings = -cLeaRs thRoat- stephan 8, j.t. 10, aLLie 11, maRanda 23, tiffany 27
[LAST...]
movie you watched = fReeway
movie you bought = uhm... diRty dancing dvd
song you listened to= pagan poetRy by bjoRk
cd you bought = mtv2 headbangeR*s baLL
person you've called = dan
person that's called you = ashLey
tv show you've watched = ha uhm Let me think cuz i was watching tv with my niece.... i beLieve it was fuLL house Lmfao
[DO...]
you have a crush on someone = not a cRush... moRe Like Love
you wish you could live somewhere else = yeah.. anywheRe but heRe!!!
you believe in online dating = yes, i beLieve you find youR tRue Love in the oddest pLaces, and you have to fight to be with them... theRe aRe aLways obsticaLs... distance wouLd be one of them. no one said Love was easy, onLy that it was woRth it.
others find you attractive = suRpRisingLy yes... most peopLe say i*m veRy pRetty.
you want more piercings = nope i*m good
you like roller coasters = of couRse i Love the feeLing of not having contRoL... and the speed is nice too.
you write in cursive or print = weLL if i want to wRite fast i wRite in pRint if i want to wRite neat i wRite in cuRsive oR just wRite sLoweR LoL i Like cuRsive though
[FOR OR AGAINST...]
long distance relationships = didn*t i answeR this aLReady? --see above--
using someone = foR what?
people = i hate peopLe... but i ReaLLy Love meeting Random peopLe LoL... Let me change that i hate stupid peopLe
smoking = why? so i can pay some coRpoRation to sLowLy kiLL me? fuck no
gay/lesbian relationships = Love see no age, distance, height, weight, oR gendeR. if you Love someone Love them foR who they aRe, not foR what you want them to be oR what society says they shouLd be... to put it simpLy, Love is bLind.
[HAVE YOU...]
ever cried over a boy = yes actuaLLy... i aLways said the onLy boy i eveR cRied oveR was chRis... but i cRied oveR kane... a Lot... i just bLocked out the memoRy
ever cried over a girl = yes, onLy one giRL though... ashLey baRkstaLL
ever lied to someone = whoeveR says no to this question is a goddamned LiaR
ever been in a fist fight = Lmfao, that fooL neveR messed with me again
[WHAT...]
shampoo do you use = suave Lemon gRass is my favoRite but i think Right now i have tangeRine oR something
shoes do you wear = my vans... that*s it
are you scared of = i*m scaRed of being scaRed... i*m scaRed of being a situation and being too wake to weak to be the stRongeR peRson... but most of aLL i*m scaRed of being a ReLationship that*s compLeteLy equaL and aLways good to me... i need a LittLe abuse to feeL safe... i guess it has to do with my past but we won*t get into that
[NUMBER...]
of times I have been in love?= 4
of times I have had my heart broken? = 4
of hearts I have broken? = me? uhm... i ReaLLy don*t know i mean do you honestLy think someone is gonna go up to someone eLse and go "you bRoke my heaRt" -RoLLs eyes- heLL no they*d RatheR pRetend to be stRong
of times my name has appeared in the paper? = 5 oR 6?
things in my past that I regret? = nothing... Live with no RegRets eveRything happens foR a Reason....
[DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...]
pretty = heLL no
funny= yeah someone toLd me i couLd be a comedian then in the same sentence toLd me i couLd be a phone sex opeRatoR... can you imagine having phone sex with someone and Right when it staRts to get ReaLLy good the peRson goes "so a pRiest a Rabbi and a bLack man weRe sitting in a baR..."
hot= yea-no not a chance
friendly = suRe... if i Like you
amusing = i amuse myseLf does that count?
ugly = yep and fat too ^.^
loveable = maybe?
caring = i caRe about a seLect few and they know who they aRe
sweet= onLy when i want to be
dorky = heLL yeah! doRks Rock
[FAVORITE...]
5 letter word: dooku!!!! give uncLe dooku a hug!!! -wiggLes-
Actor/actress: ewan mcgRegoR and nicoLe kidman
Cartoon: daRia kicks ass but i Love the famiLy guy and futuRama
Cereal: i don*t eat ceReaL
Chewing gum: tRident cinnamon... in fact i want some -gets gum-
Color(s): pink and yeLLow... any questions?
day of the week: sunday cuz ashLey usuaLLy doesn*t do anything on sundays
Least fave day: satuRday... cuz my mom is home and she*LL be home sunday too
flower: dandylion? fiRe Roses those things aRe beautifuL but quite RaRe
Jelly flavour: i don*t Like jeLLy... oR peanut butteR foR that matteR
Jewelry: my Ring and my staR mood neckLace
Summer/Winter: depends on my mood
[Person who last.. ]
Slept in your bed: weLL seeing as how it*s my bed i wouLd have to say me
Saw you cry: ashLey in decembeR
Made you cry: chRis
Yelled at you: uhm... pRobabLy my mom
Sent you an email: my mom... that*s pathetic
[Have you ever.. ]
Said "I love you" and meant it?: -bLinks- yes
Gone out in public in your pajamas: Lmfao heLL yeah eveRyday waLk out fRont stand by the stReet i Look heLLa good in my LittLe victoRia secRet shoRts Lmfao
Kept a secret from everyone: of couRse... if i say i*LL keep it secRet i wiLL... unLess you piss me off but that*s fuckin haRd to do...
Cried during a movie: i can not watch foRest gump without cRying LoL
Planned your week based on the TV: heLL no why wouLd i?
Been on stage: yep a coupLe times
Been to New York: nope but my sisteR Lives theRe
Been to California: yep disneyLand univeRsaL studios thRee times it*s a boRe
Hawaii: no but javi*s been theRe and i had a fRiend that came fRom theRe
China: don*t they eat bugs theRe???
Canada: you know i Lived in seattLe Like i dunno a 45 minute dRive fRom canada... neveR went theRe...
Europe: it wouLd be neat to visit but i wouLdn*t want to stay
Asia: i*d onLy go foR the food =)
South America: no and i hope to neveR go theRe thank you
Africa: ooo with the bLack peopLe who Ride aRound on eLephants aLL day!? heLL yeah i wanna go!!
What time is it now?: 5:34 pm
[This or That? ]
Apples or bananas? appLes i hate bananas oo but the appLes have to be gReen
Blue or red?: pink =)
Walmart or target?: taRget waLmaRt onLy caRRies the edited veRsions of cds >=(
Spring or Autumn?: -bLinks-
What are you gonna do after you finish this?: dinneR
Was the last meal you ate?: Last meaL?? i toLd you this it was Lunch that buRRito i had -gLaRes-
Are you bored?:not ReaLLy
Last noise you heard?: my fan, me typing, and my LizaRds wateR bubbLeR thing-a-muh-jig
Last smell you sniffed?: uhm... my niece*s peRfume
[Friendship/Love ]
Do you believe in love at first sight?: nope, you can not tRuLLy Love someone untiL you know who they aRe inside.
Do you want children one day & if so, how many?: yes, i want thRee giRLs =)
Most important thing to you in a friendship is: tRust if you don*t have tRust you don*t have anything
[Other Info ]
Do you speak any other languages?: i LeaRnededos some of the eL espanoL en escueLa -smiLes- ashLey heLped too
Last book you read?: seeds of yesteRday by vc andRews
something in your bedroom you like?: my candLes i Love my candLes
[You]
Nickname(s): i have a Lot, gaia, cybiL, white giRL, teegeR [on ocassion], angeLique, Lynda, LayLa, and oh yes we can*t foRget "you stupid cunt"
Initials: cRt
How old do you look?: -bLinks- at Least 21 i think
How old do you act?: -smiLes- depends on my mood
Glasses/Contacts: 20/20 vision -- yes
Braces: coupLe yeaRs ago
Do you have any pets?: two cats, a puppy, and a LizaRd
You get embarrassed: no, eveRyone does stupid shit, i am moRe than suRe that somewheRe someone has just done the exact same thing you did... get oveR it
What makes you happy?: a Lot of things -RoLLs eyes-
What upsets you?: a Lot of things -smiLes-
[Finish the sentence: ]
I Love to... eat?
I'm Annoyed by... stupid peopLe
I Want to be... somewheRe besides eL paso
I Would Never.... do dRugs LoL yes it*s coRny but i*m not into that shit
I Am Tired of... inteRnet dRama!!!!!
I Will Always be... unique, just Like eveRyone eLse
so theRe you go i did this suRvey just foR aLL of you so you couLd see it =) and that*s it
::me:: |
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| we*Re aLL | mad | heRe |
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| 02:14pm 18/05/2004 |
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mood:  thoughtful
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okay so i ReaLize i*m not the most exciting peRson in the woRLd and aLL that junk but whateveR because i ReaLLy just feLt Like wRiting in heRe. weLL i had this dReam this moRning that i need heLp with i mean i can usuaLLy anaLyze my dReams but foR some Reason this one is just haRd foR me. Let me teLL you it.
okay i was at this giRL tiff*s house and i spent the night and in the moRning she got woRRied cuz heR mom was coming home so she was Like hinting at me that she wanted me to go and i finaLLy said "Look if you want me to go then say so" and she said "i want you to go" so she Rushed me out and i was Like "what about my suitcase" cuz it was a big suitcase and she toLd me she*d give it to me LateR cuz she needed to go to cLass so i went to the aiRpoRt and waLked oveR a hiLL and i was back in texas Like down the stReet fRom my house and i was on my way home and i saw a fRiend and toLd him what happened and he said to go back and get my suitcase so i went back oveR the hiLL but i woRRied that i wouLdn*t be abLe to get back that way and i didn*t have any money foR a pLane but i was abLe to get back so i went to tiff*s cLass and got my suitcase and i was mad at heR foR kicking me out but she said she needed me to go so we got into this caR and she took me to the aiRpoRt and i had RemembeRed heR doing this befoRe and the caR wouLd tuRn into a yeiLd Lane and i*d jump out so this time she thRew my suitcase out fiRst and then i jumped out of the caR and chased it but this poLice woman saw me and she caLLed me oveR afteR i had caught my suitcase and i was mad and i kept saying i hadn*t done anything wRong and i was getting even moRe pissed and she bRought out this maLe cop and i toLd him i hadn*t done anything wRong and they Laughed and this otheR giRL that was getting a ticket said it was iLLegaL to be sepeRated fRom youR Luggage in the aiRpoRt and i was pissed so they gave me a ticket and i toLd them to put tiff*s name on it because she was gonna pay foR it because it was heR fauLt and i toLd them heR name but they heaRd wRong and put someone eLse*s name on it and gave it to me and it was Like fifty doLLaRs and thiRteen cents so i was Like whateveR caLL that peRson and get the money and i Left and went back oveR the hiLL and i was back in texas again and i was waLking down the stReet to go home and i saw these guys pLaying basketbaLL and i knew one of them and he toLd me he was gonna waLk me home so we weRe waLking to my house and then i woke up.
so if anyone can make heads oR taiLs of that aLL comments aRe weLcome and gReatLy appReciated. thank you.
::me:: |
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| gRowing up is such a barabaRous business fuLL of inconvenience and pimpLes |
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| 09:12pm 14/05/2004 |
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mood:  bouncy
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so i thought i*d wRite in heRe because i haven*t wRitten in heRe not that anyone Reads this eveRybody i know Reads my xanga but oh weLL tiff wanted me to have a Live jouRnaL so i do. i neveR know what to wRite in this thing because i wRite aLL my impoRtant stuff in the otheR jouRnaL i have. i*m watching this peteR pan movie and i can*t decide whetheR this LittLe boy pLaying pan is just ugLy oR just meh you know just meh. and that bRings up anotheR question i have, didn*t in the oRiginaL peteR pan wendy and heR bRotheR*s foRgot about home because neveRLand was Like eRasing theiR memoRies oR am i just cRazy? maybe it was anotheR veRsion. i thought i wouLd go ahead and make tiff spiffy up my site afteR she finished with heR ugLy noRah jones one -shuddeRs- weLL i*m aLL done wRiting foR today.
-me |
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| give uncLe dooku a hug! |
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| 06:35pm 12/05/2004 |
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mood:  amused
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now i RemembeR why i neveR got one of these things... one because i*m way too Lazy and two because they confuse me. =( i*m a simpLe peRson i need a simpLe jouRnaL deaLy-woppeR and i just don*t know... so bLah... yes that*s Right bLah... Run away! i am finding this quite amusing. -waLks aRound Room- hmmm -shakes bum- yeah see i am totaLLy exciting! woRd of advice if you*Re stiLL Reading this stop and get heLp. who Listens to peopLe RambLe anyway? i*m too Lazy to make this thing aLL spiffied up and Looking good so you deaL with it and be happy oR you go away!.... anywho that*s aLL i*m done.
-me |
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